Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Fragment of Noir

I’m a detective, the hardboiled kind. The kind that cracks you open instead of the other way around. But I knew this case wasn’t going to be over easy. For starters, the dame hadn’t shown up yet. There was always a dame involved somehow. This time, though, there was just a box. Brown, wrapped in paper, unceremoniously dumped outside my office, right on top of the pile of unpaid bills and right underneath my name on the door: D. Guacamole, Private Eye.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Reality and Romance

Hey, people! I'm sorry it's been so ridiculously long since I gave you all a proper blog entry. Two jobs, an internship, and a lot of self-reflection haven't given me a ton of time to do my duty to you, the (hypothetical) reader of my blog. I'll begin with just a brief overview of what's going on with my life:

I graduated from high school last year, and have now spent a whole year working, studying, thinking, and getting ready for college this coming fall. With college being the ridiculously expensive affair that it is, it's been really important for me to make as much dough as possible to avoid being crushed for the rest of my life under a mountain of debt. Thankfully, being a National Merit Scholar has helped somewhat, and I've got fairly good scholarships to help me on my way. Though the really-truly-honest-to-goodness-100%-absolute-final choice hasn't been made, I think Cedarville University will be my final destination for college. It's a good school, and has several attractive advantages over the others I'm considering. So, in a nutshell, I'm gearing up for college.

But there's another aspect of my life that's been really occupying a lot of the time I would ordinarily spend blogging (at least in theory): thinking about relationships. I've spent many long evenings just thinking and soul-searching about what direction I should go in this regard, and for several months I was genuinely agonized about it. It's an aspect of my life that is difficult to foresee and crucially important, and for a long time I made the mistake of second-guessing what path I should take in this regard. However, due in large part to conversations with close friends and some topical reading, I've come to a much more settled place in my mind.

My conclusion, which has brought an unbelievable amount of peace to my life in the past few weeks, is simply this: a romantic relationship will come along when it comes along, in God's time. There is absolutely no point in agonizing and constantly worrying about it, or in trying to rush or force something that just isn't meant to be. Since achieving this revelation, this new way of looking at things, I've been an altogether happier and more settled person. Actually, this new mindset has given me the courage to actually go out and investigate a possible relationship, whereas before I might have been too afraid of rejection to ever give it a try. More on that in the next paragraph. I apologize, but it's difficult to convey exactly how this thought process works; suffice to say it's very comforting knowing I don't have to be entirely responsible for planning my own life, particularly in this very complex area. Really, though, this applies to all of life. If we had to be personally responsible for planning out our entire lives, it would all end in ruin. All we can do is trust God to lead us on the right paths. I have wholly surrendered to Him (at least in this one area; complete surrender is still something I struggle with daily), and it truly has brought me a great measure of peace.

So, regarding the new-found courage I mentioned in the previous paragraph: for the first time in my life, I actually had the guts and the bravery to ask a girl (one I've known for three years) if she would go to a movie with me. I've rarely been more nervous, and I literally thought my knees might collapse for a moment there. Sadly, the answer this time was a very gracious "no".

But you know what? That's okay. It's a path that simply isn't mine to go down at this point, and I'm okay waiting until the right path comes along. It was immensely disappointing, of course, but livable, because I know that everything that happens is part of God's plan, and when the right girl comes along, that path will be open to me one way or another. Do I still have some moments of melancholy? Of course. But all I can do is surrender to what God has planned for me, because I know it will be more wonderful than anything I can even imagine now. This new mindset of mine gave me the courage I needed to at least try, and even though I'm immensely disappointed at the answer, I'm immensely glad that I was granted the experience of asking.

Of course, the girl in question really did refuse in absolutely the kindest, gentlest, most gracious way imaginable, and that does make it a little easier to take, as well. She said no, but she said no in absolutely the best way possible. Although I was fooling myself in thinking there would be absolutely no awkwardness between us afterward, it's something I think we both can manage, with no harm done. So thank you, *ṙḕḋḁḉṫḕḋ*, for your kindness.

And so, I'm still waiting for the right person to come along. I'm okay with taking my time, though, because I know that once I enter a relationship with someone, it will be all the better because I won't have the baggage and hurt that so many people bring into a relationship. And I'm okay waiting as long as I have to, even though it's something for which I feel so ready.

Anyway, that's what's been going on with me lately. Really, life has been good. I've had a great year of personal growth and preparation for college, I'm finalizing the selection process, and I'm ready to head boldly into the next adventure life throws at me.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Poem: Last Summer (or, Regret)

Hello, everyone! Here is another poem I wrote recently... it doesn't really need too much explanation, I guess. Suffice it to say it's the result of a lot of meditation on the directions my life could possibly have gone in the past.


Last Summer (or, Regret)

Last summer I had a dream,
That somehow, though I don't deserve it,
You might, just might, have been mine.
But alas, that dream never came true.

As I stared into the flickering flame,
I wanted so very much to tell you
How beautiful you looked in the darkness,
But my fear always stood in the way.

And then there were the hints.
Your words, your touch, the little things,
The things that said maybe you'd welcome me in,
But I was too awestruck to knock on the door.

I was alone, and you came,
Gave me the honor of being near you.
You sang, your heart in harmony with mine,
I was too ashamed to admit I didn't know the words.

And now my chance is past,
I've studied the song, I know all the words,
But now it's too late, you've met someone else,
And you'll never know what I so wanted to say.

Now every time I see you I wonder,
If last summer was nothing more than a dream.
Did I ever really have a chance?
Or was it just a trick of the firelight?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day! (new poem included)

Hey, everyone, here is a new poem from yours truly in honor of Valentine's Day... enjoy, and have a terrific day! <3

Telephone Dreaming: An Untamed Flight of Fancy

The phone starts to ring
And my heart starts to sing!
Is it Her on the line,
My sweet darling so fine?

Is she calling to tell me good news.
That soon her exams will be through?
That maybe she'll soon come save me.
To take me away to a place full of glee?

Or does she phone to bear tidings of woe,
That her fair frame has fallen in snow?
That what I so crave, her visit to me,
Was tragically postponed indefinitely?

I pick up the line,
Is it you, dearest mine?
A delay, then a click:
An Indian telemarketing schtick.

Also, be sure to check out my previous (and also appropriate for Valentine's Day) poem, simply called Love.